Friday, January 16, 2009

More...I don't think I want to be married anymore. I hate to make this statement without complete certainty but I feel it more and more. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin if I don't get a chance to meet up at my local hang out spot and see some buddies that I chat with once or twice a week. They're good guys, all different, and it gives me a really positive feeling. Of being connected in a way that I otherwise would not have an opportunity to be. And I really look forward to it. It's a sense of freedom, of sexuality, of feeling wanted and enjoying and savoring the moment of it all. I don't get that now, at home, in my current situation. However, my husband doesn't like me going there and is adamently opposed to it. So I'm torn between want and guilt.Is this selfish of me? Should I not be wanting this? Do many married women feel this way or am I indicating that there is clearly a problem here?And I desperately want to talk to "him" again. There's so much in my mind that we never had a chance to talk about. I want him to know the real me more. I want to share some of my thoughts. And I have more questions for him. I desire him sexually still. I would be in complete denial if I said otherwise. He's so sexy to me, and always has been. There's never been an opportunity to fully enjoy each other and I crave it. I think about it. Maybe I'd be disappointed but I really need to find out. Maybe my fantasy would be blown open and at the core would be a basic guy. It would help to see more flaws.The problem is I don't know what he thinks of me. After I lashed out two weeks ago and then overstepped my bounds by asking a good friend some questions about him, he gave me an earful, so to speak via text. Maybe he can't stand me; maybe he thinks I'm nuts. Well, admittedly this whole "venture" has not surprisingly brought the nuttiness out in me I'm sure of that. But I think that would be a pretty surfaced, shallow reaction, one where there were no prior feelings, if he could that quickly dismiss any involvement or interaction with me. I hope fate will allow something to emerge and evolve, and not leave things as a guessing game indefinitely.All for now.
Posted by pamela at 12:43 PM