Today is freezing here as it probably is in most parts of the country. I'm journaling so I won't text. I have a strong desire to do so but swore I wouldn't and need to be true to self. I wonder how he's doing, want to hear from him, want to see him, feel him...It's a slippery slope and a fine line between just asking and getting myself into a more addictive mode again. I need to stay away from texting.He needs to contact me. It's up to him to put the effort in. He needs to feel like I'm worth it. He needs to miss me and if I keep texting him that'll never happen. I texted for so long because I didn't want to break that link and stop connection. I just had a hunch that it was all up to me. And I know it shouldn't be. I have really compromised myself that way and it is so not me. Why, I keep asking myself, have I done this with this one person, who hasn't even been very nice to me.I realized yesterday (well I'm sure before then but didn't voice it as clearly) that I don't know if I want to be married anymore. Maybe meeting him and feeling the way I did gave me a renewed taste of the single life. Perhaps I crave it and feel I can keep that feeling alive through him. So is it really him I'm after or what he represents? He also made me feel good about myself, a feeling that I was still attractive to other men, and that energized something in me, a feeling I don't want to ignore, that I want to revitalize some more. I don't know if I'm making much sense but I do know that I need to keep thinking about why I crave him so much and why I'm so unhappy in my current state of affairs.It is true I'm not happy with the way my husband treats me. I think he's very disrespectful and demanding and controlling. I also think he has a dependency on me that he's not even aware of. I'm sure it's not healthy and prohibits him from fully recognizing his own feelings about himself, his needs, his relationship with me and that of his kids. He yells alot. It drives me nuts. I grew up in a household full of yelling all the time, mostly between my parents, but it was awful. I couldn't stand it or control it. My dad was a hot head and I'm pretty sure somewhat bi-polar. My mom would retaliate with lots of swearing and crying. She wanted to leave him, I'm pretty sure, but didn't feel she had the wherewithall to do so. She didn't go to college and felt she had limited career options and financial security so she put up with the status quo.I'm been writing not only through blogging but poetry. I've written about ten short poems, one longer one, a memoir and a children's story. I'm not sure what to do with any of them yet. Going from step a to b is always the hardest thing for me. I have an urge to express my creative energy and this is a fulfilling way to do so.I also really enjoy photography, especially black and white or sephia, I think the mystery of the lack of color pulls me toward these preferences, and I've been taking lots of pics on my cell phone. Only problem is the printer I have stinks and hard to get a decent photo from.Also really love oil pastels and have for years. I haven't done any paintings in about three months. Once I get on a role I really get on a role; I get obsessed kind of.Gotta go for now. Until next time.
Posted by pamela at 8:31 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 14, 2009